Perversion
by The Essential Word
Summary: Gordon and Douglas force Kyle to listen as they reminisce about older times. It turns out that things weren’t so different in Alvarnia back in the day…For a contest.


Kyle didn't exactly make drinking a habit. It was fun, but he could never drink lightly when it came to alcohol. He tended to go from glass one to ten without even noticing. By the end of the night, he couldn't believe he was drunk as he was. By the next day, he could believe that he was miserable, had a pounding headache and a sour mood.

Besides, the only real time and place to get a drink was at on of Max's parties at the manor. This was very bad. Max was not known for being kind to drunk people. Au contraire, if you drunkenly confessed your love for Mana (and even if you denied it later), Max was sure to think it would be funny to turn around and tell Douglas.

The next thing you knew was that your house was ripped from the ground, turned upside-down and the words "STAY AWAY FROM MANA!" were beaten into your crop field. Meanwhile, Max was still a filthy rich bastard who thought it was all so hilarious.

Needless to say, Kyle avoided drinking from that moment on.

This was why it was such a shock when he walked into the church and smelled the bitter scent of alcohol. He saw Gordon and Douglas seated around the altar, a bottle between them and in their hands cups filled to the brim with beer. He could tell the two were tipsy from the way their conversation slurred like a broken piano.

In short, it was the most awesome place of holy worship ever. No exceptions.

Still there was a bit too much alcohol for his liking, so Kyle attempted to take his leave. As he turned, however, Douglas looked at him with a strange and unsettling smile and signaled for him to come over.

"Uh, Gordon, aren't you a priest?" Kyle said.

Gordon waved it off. "Enjoy when drunk, repent when sober is what I always say!"

"That's not how it works," Kyle said.

"Son, who's the priest here?"

"You?"

"Exactly. So whose read the scriptures?"

"You?"

"Now, who knows what they're talking about?"

"Come on, Gordon," Kyle said. "I really doubt it says 'Go, my children, and get thyselves drunk. By the way, live holy and pure in the way of the gods, okay, thanks.' I think it says just the oppos--"

Gordon looked annoyed. "Well, if you know so much about it, how about you sit down and tell us."

"But I'm really--"

"Sit down," Douglas said, pointing to a nearby bench.

When Douglas said sit down, you sat, no question. So Kyle sat down and waited for what would surely come next.

Gordon turned to Douglas. "So, you hear from Natalie lately?"

"Yeah," Douglas said. "She's still having problems with Alicia. Says the girls become a trampy, frumped-up magical fortune teller. I know that if any daughter of mine wore that outfit there would be _hell_."

In his mind, Kyle juxtaposed Alicia's outfit onto Mana's body. The result was fantastic. If only somebody could figure out how to combine Alicia and Mana together…then they would have the perfect woman.

"What the hell are you thinking about!?" Douglas said.

"Nothing?"

He eyed him in disbelief. "That ain't the look of nothing. Look, you keep Mana out of your mind, you hear?"

"Er…I wasn't thinking about Mana…"

"Then who?"

"Rosalind?" Kyle tried.

"Good gods, do you want me to tell her father? He could have you assassinated."

Kyle waved his arms in front of him. "Forget it!"

Gordon leaned forward. "Wasn't Dorothy, was it?"

"You know what, I was thinking about Julia…she doesn't have a father, right?" Kyle said desperately. "Right?"

"I know her father," Douglas said, casually sipping his wine. "He beat me in arm-wrestling. His hobby was tossing around mountains and diverting the course of rivers." When he saw Kyle's horrified expression, he laughed. "I'm just kidding you, kid…or am I?"

"Why do you people torture me so?" Kyle said.

Gordon laughed. "We're two old men sitting in church drinking. There's not really much else to do. Unless you want to hear a sermon."

Kyle thought for a moment. A drunken sermon might have been interesting, but then he realized it could also be horrific. "Maybe another time."

"Good choice," Douglas said. "Gordon's sermons always put me to sleep."

"That's just because you don't understand the greatness that comes from knowing the Gods. We all have to have a moment of enlightenment in which we know that the Gods are--"

"If you love the Gods so much," Douglas said. "Then shut up and start drinking."

"All right, all right," Gordon said, taking another healthy swig of his drink. "You know that Barrett kid?"

Douglas nodded. "Yeah?"

"I think he's trying to schmooze in on my daughter."

"Wait, you mean he likes girls?"

"That's what I thought! But it seems he's taken with Dorothy."

Douglas frowned and shook his head. "Okay, first you find the boy. Then you take a desk and toss it against the wall. That's just for effect. If they're lucky, they'll decide to totally give up on your daughter before you have to got to stage two."

Kyle's throat tightened. "What's stage two?"

"Death." Douglas's voice was serious.

Kyle wondered why it began to feel so hot all of a sudden.

Gordon began to laugh. "Oh, sure. I'll see if I have to do that or not! You're a wise, wise man. But I think I'll need you to come as back-up since you're so good at this sort of thing, " he said, only partly-serious.

Kyle made a note to warn Barrett to desist any inclinations he had towards Dorothy immediately. His life depended on it.

"But is it really any different than how we were when we were young?" Gordon said.

"Eh? Are you trying to put me on the same level as the idiots that pass as young men around here?"

"I think I'm offended by that," Kyle said.

A glare from Douglas shut him up immediately.

"Come on, you remember," Gordon said. "You weren't that different from Kyle. Remember all the suggestive sword-related puns you made at Tanya? What was that one?" He tapped his chin. "Something about your sword being ten-foot--"

"Shut up!" Douglas said.

"Actually," Kyle said, sidling his chair near Gordon's. "I think I need to hear this. You know, maybe I can learn something from your example, Douglas."

Gordon smiled. "Happily.

"I will kill you both," Douglas said. "And you, Kyle, I was already planning to kill you so I guess I'll have to kill you twice now."

Kyle smiled to hide the fear.

"It's just a few stories, Douglas," Gordon said. "Come on, what do you have to fear? You're such an upstanding father, after all. Surely you weren't anything less than an upstanding youth."

Douglas's grip on his drink tightened dangerously. "If I remember correctly, you were the one who kept breaking his arm on purpose to get the attention of a certain doctor."

Gordon threw up his arms. "But Natalie was so hot!" he said. "I didn't even know her name for the longest time. I just called her hot doctor."

"What'd you call her to her face?" Kyle said.

"Hot doctor." He shrugged. "I was never one for lying. Besides, she found it funny. I wasn't kidding though. She was hot."

Douglas snorted. "Are you joking? She's still one hell of a fox. Even a retard like Kyle could see that."

Kyle made a face. "…I don't know how I feel about that…"

"I always thought she could doctor me up any time!" Gordon said.

Kyle buried his face in his hands. "I really didn't need to hear that."

"She was kind of a social butterfly in her teens," said Douglas. "And then she went and became a doctor. Smart girl, always was. And that, son, is why you stay away from smart girls."

"Yeah, I'll be sure to stick to the dumb ones," he said, sarcastically.

"But she was something of a floozy," said Gordon.

"…I wouldn't know anything about that. She's kind of just a doctor to me, you know," Kyle said. "Please don't tell me anymore. I don't need to be thinking about this the next time I get a cold and need medicine. Oh god, you guy's are going to tell me anyway? Is there no hope? Please don't--"

"First she dated me, then she dated Douglas and then she dated any random man who walked into the town. Pretty much, she dated anything. And she didn't dress like she does now. Hey, remember when she used to wear that bikini?"

"How could I forget!"

Kyle started banging his head against the table.

"Or how about that low-cut shirt she wore with her open doctor's jacket?"

Bang!

"That was so damn great! Or the tiny, tiny skirt she'd wear? I liked that one better than the shirt."

"How can you prefer that over cleavage?"

Bang, bang, bang!

Douglas smiled, lost in memories. "But I think we can both agree that her glasses really topped the whole ensemble. Tanya may have had the body, but Natalie had the whole damned passage."

Bang, bang, BANG BANG, bang, bang, BANG!

"You're going to get a concussion if you keep doing that," Gordon said.

"Please, stop. You're torturing me," Kyle said.

Douglas and Gordon toasted one another. "To torturing the youths of the village!"

"Come on, kid," Douglas said. "We haven't even begun with the doctor-related pickup lines. Gods, we used to fight over her, didn't we, Gordon? I think I nearly beat you to a pulp that one time."

Gordon waved his hand. "Don't worry about it. You may have been strong, but I was the tough one. Besides, Natalie was hot enough for us both."

"I was really shocked when we found out she was dating us both that one time!" Douglas said. "That was when I punched you, wasn't it? Nearly made your nose come out the back of your head."

"Yes, but it worked out in my favor," Gordon said, with a smile. "Because then Natalie got to fix me up and coo over how much of a 'poor, poor man' I was. And, I'm telling you, it was on the day of the summer festival, so she threw her doctor's coat over her bikini! I am not going to even begin to tell you how many fetishes that covered!"

Kyle's face was twisted in horror.

Both Douglas and Gordon stood.

"My head hurts," Gordon said, rubbing his temple.

"My arm hurts," said Douglas.

"Then we have to go see Natalie," they said together, laughing.

"Just like old times," Gordon said. The two men patted each other's back amiably. Then they whistled as they left Kyle behind.

Kyle poured himself another glass of beer and called it a day.

As Kyle walked by the clinic, Natalie was sitting outside, reading a book. She peered at him over her glasses. "Hello, Kyle," she said.

Strangely, Kyle found himself blushing and stammering. He couldn't get a single full word out.

She stood. "Are you sick?" She grabbed him by the arm, which didn't help. His face began to burn brighter and hotter.

The words of Douglas and Gordon were floating in his mind. Something about doctor's coat and bikinis and hot doctors.

He was beginning to think that her glasses looked very nice.

"Stay out here for a moment," she said. "I'll get you something that'll get rid of this fever." She ran inside.

Little did Kyle know that Ray had been watching the entire time.

"THAT'S MY MOM!"

Kyle looked over to see Ray's distraught expression.

"You're crushing on my mom! That's sick," he said. "How would you feel if I crushed on your mom?!"

"I--I'm not crushing on your mom," Kyle said.

"I'm not blind. I saw that!"

"No, really…"

"J-just stay away from my mom, you pervert," Ray said.

Kyle watched, dumb-founded, as Ray ran inside.

Natalie came out.

And Kyle still couldn't stop his blushing.

"Just rub this cream on your forehead and it should get rid of your fever," she said.

"Uh," he said.

"Unless you want me to do it for you."

He nearly fell over. "N-no! Just give it to me and don't stand so close and-and--" He continued to stammer, before grabbing the cream from her and running off.

He cursed himself for his perversion.

X

This fic is for a contest. If you want to vote for me or anyone else, then go to the Rune Haven forums on FF . net and vote there.

Formatting errors I blame on my word processor.


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